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20)Self-confidence is not determined by what others think of us. It is determined by what we think of ourselves.

No one outside of ourselves can alter how we feel about ourselves. No external person can alter our self-confidence. That is what "self"- confidence is"¦.confidence in the self. Basing our self-confidence on what others think of us has nothing to do with our self-confidence. It creates a co-dependent relationship and need for others to constantly offer us positive feedback. Basing our self-worth on how others perceive us is in fact, the opposite of self-confidence. When we are absolutely confident in our actions or even in our ability to learn through our mistakes we will not need the immediate approval of those around us. We will be self-approving. This will minimize any external pressure and allow us to focus all of our energy on doing our work as opposed to impressing others.

21) It is not possible to feel SELF-CONFIDENT if we are not being OURSELVES.

PUTTING ON A CORPORATE CHARADE SPLITS THE SELF into the real self (SELF/ESSENCE) and the corporate self (CORPORATE CHARADE). This internal split, splits our confidence.When we are not being our real selves, we look for external validation of our self-worth. We attempt to feel good about our real selves by obtaining work success with our corporate selves.

When we are successful while putting on a Corporate Charade our successes are not our own. We receive positive reinforcement for being someone who we are not. This develops what can be called "Corporate-Confidence" which just solidifies the need to put on a corporate pretence and is quite different from self-confidence.CORPORATE-CONFIDENCE is based on appearing competent and successful which are judgments that are derived from and feed the ego.

When we are successful while being our real selves, we develop a positive sense of ourselves also known as Self-Confidence.SELF-CONFIDENCE is based on self-acceptance of our true ESSENCE and is achieved when we are able to access our SELF-ESTEEM while being and by being ourselves.

There is no doubt that CORPORATE SUCCESS can build up our CORPORATE-CONFIDENCE (Ego) and enable us to be proficient at our jobs. However, it is our SELF-CONFIDENCE that enhances and gives us access to our SELF-ESTEEM and allows us to excel at being ourselves (Essence).


IN ORDER TO BECOME OURSELVES WE NEED TO HAVE SOME FAITH IN OURSELVES. With Self-acceptance of Ourselves in each Moment we can hold our Ego at bay, access our self-esteem and learn to have FAITH in ourselves. We will see how Feeling, being in Alignment, understanding our Intentions and acknowledging the Truth, will allow us to become who we are and will ultimately allow us to be Happy.




elf-Acceptance of




urselves in the




oment will allow us to keep our




go at bay and access our Self-Esteem






When we self-accept we will begin to FEEL.

Every time we pretend to be what we are not, we send the self a negative message (Law #14). Whenever any negative feelings about the self surface we push them down with success, failure, drama and distraction. While this seems to work temporarily, and appears to be the best option, ultimately we are reinforcing the notion that we can be successful if and only if we can become someone else. The illusion doesn't last long and we end up spinning in an ongoing inferiority-superiority cycle that never seems to end. All the while, we put on a Charade and we split further and further away from who we are in order to chase a dream that may or may not be ours and may or may not allow us to self-actualize in any real sense of the word.

This drama distracts us and prevents us from looking within. If we stop the drama, the problem is that our underlying feelings will arise. Once again, we cope by trying to stroke our ego so we don't have to deal with them. This behavior generalizes and soon we are avoiding any negative experiences. These bottled emotions come up in the form of work related stress (surface drama). This stress comes in different forms depending on the person and keeps our minds occupied so that we don't have to deal with what lies underneath.

As long as we spend our time keeping our heads above the corporate surface and getting caught up in the drama of Success and Failure, Competency and Incompetency, Confidence and Insecurity, we don't have to deal with what drives the cycle. We convince ourselves that we will feel good about ourselves when we get there"¦but along the way we end up feeling bad about ourselves.

It is actually easier to think that we will like ourselves more in the future than deal with how we feel in the moment. As we know, moments of success are transient. At some point in time, we will have to come face to face with the self"¦not our corporate self, our true self. We are eventually going to have to face our own fears and feelings. We are going to be confronted with our own failure, incompetence and insecurities. We need to face these fears by feeling them. The problem is that at this point, we may not actually know how we feel or how to deal with it. We have become so busy trying to do what we need to do in order to feel good about ourselves that we have stopped FEELING altogether.

When we stop thinking (ego) we will start feeling. When we start to feel, we are going to experience the urge to repress. This is when we will want to return to our coping mechanism of success. Fighting this urge and feeling what we have ignored is our work.

While the nature of this process may vary from person to person, changing who we are must, on some level, be a reacting to feeling that who we are, just isn't acceptable or good enough. The existence of the Corporate Charade is a result of and evidence of this fear. If we didn't have this concern, we would just be ourselves.


If our underlying fear is that we are not good enough, our underlying hope is that we are. If we didn't believe that we could be good enough, we wouldn't try, we wouldn't hope to be. If we weren't afraid that we couldn't be good enough, we wouldn't try to change who we are.

We start to look for evidence to prove or disprove our underlying beliefs and/or fears. We hope we will find evidence that we are good enough but fear what will happen if we find contradictory information. Basically, we are seeking external permission to access our Self-Esteem. Ultimately, this is access that only we can give and only we can take away.

No one outside of ourselves can determine how we feel about ourselves. So in fact, our fear is that WE WILL BE CONVINCED our innate talents aren't good enough. We fear that our Self-Confidence will be shattered and we won't be able to accept ourselves if our Corporate-Confidence (ego) isn't fed and our corporate self isn't successful. THE TRUTH IS this fear is INTERNAL, not EXTERNAL.

THE TRUTH IS that this fear actually creates a negative internal environment and prevents us from achieving that which is within our grasp for it prevents us from becoming who we are. It alters our perception and changes our internal reality. Thus the fear that we are not good enough prevents us from becoming good enough.

THE TRUTH IS that we don't have to be afraid that we aren't good enough or that we can't competently perform our duties if we don't push to transform ourselves. We are doing it and under poor working conditions! If we are able to perform this well under this much pressure, just imaging what we could do with self-acceptance and understanding on our side. Just imagine what our performance could be like WITHOUT STRESS, ANXIETY OR FEAR OF JUDGMENT. Just imagine USING OUR INNATE TALENTS without worrying about where we are in our development, because we know we will accept ourselves every step along the way. Just imagine what it would be like if we could focus on our work and not worry about what happens or what others think because we know we will think well of ourselves. Our performance would not only be better, but it would take a lot less energy to deliver.

THE TRUTH IS that when we self-accept, we are good enough. If we choose ourselves over external circumstances, we gain access to our Self-Esteem and in that moment, we prove to ourselves that we deem ourselves to be good enough.

WE THINK(ego) that if we do a good job, that if we can become competent and successful, we will finally be able to feel good about ourselves. THE TRUTH IS that the self is best at being itself. Who we are, relying on our innate talents, is the best that we can be.

THE TRUTH IS that it is actually the other way around. How we Feel about ourselves affects our perception, and affects whether or not WE THINK (ego) our innate talents are good enough. Our perception can skew our beliefs about our competencies so that we don't really know how we are performing at work or have any sense of out talents and abilities. Since reality is our perception of it, this becomes our reality. But we can achieve as much as we want, it is our underlying self-esteem and self-confidence that will dictate how we feel about ourselves not our PERFORMANCE OR SUCCESS.

If we want to change or affect how we feel about ourselves, w

e need to change our internal environment, our perception, our reality. We need to have SOME FAITH in ourselves. We need to create a positive internal state to give ourselves the best opportunity to be able to effectively utilize our innate talents. If our best is not good enough, then we have to accept it and not turn on ourselves. If we REALLY can't do it, then we are DOING the wrong thing and should change what we are doing, not who we are. Armed with this attitude, we really have nothing to fear. We change our perception, not by looking outside of ourselves, but by looking within.


Our ego carries with it our unresolved emotional baggage of the past.


According to Freud, the ego is part of personality that mediates the demands of the id, the superego and reality. The ego prevents us from acting on our basic urges (created by the id), but also works to achieve a balance with our moral and idealistic standards (created by the superego)"¦..The ego operates based on the reality principle, which works to satisfy the id's desires in a manner that is realistic and socially appropriate.


ABOUT.COM: Psychology

By Kendra Cherry, Guide


At our earliest stage of life, we seek only to be happy. Anything other than happiness is rejected. As we grow up, we are given the message that it is no longer acceptable just to be happy (be ourselves). And that in order to feel good about ourselves "¦.we are going to have to give up happy (being ourselves). This is learned behavior and is accepted and expected in our society. We are shamed into doing that which does not make us happy, in order to feel good about ourselves. (Freud called this the "Super-Ego". Do you think IT has an ego problem?)

The initial GIVE AND GET EQUATION is where we learn that it is necessary to GIVE UP (happy) in order to GET (feeling good about ourselves).

When we are not happy, we experience other emotions. It is how we deal with these other feelings that determines our lifelong relationship with ourselves. If we don't know how to deal with these "un-happy" emotions or they are not deemed appropriate by ourselves or others as being part of who we are, we learn at an early age to REPRESS them or to change them into something else more acceptable.

NOTE: For the purposes of the remainder of this book, the ego is defined as encompassing any moment where we are in our heads, labeling and judging, and not engaged in the world around us. It is not used solely in the manner that Freud defined.

When we repress or have conflicting emotions, an Ego is born to try to resolve the conflict. When we resolve conflict by repressing feelings, they are stored within. Thus, the Ego carries with it, our repressed emotions of the past. The Ego carries with it our emotional baggage.

The extent to which we are carrying around unresolved issues is the extent to which our Ego will affect our experiences and play themselves out in our lives. The more repressed emotions we have, the more energy we need to utilize in order to keep them suppressed internal.

Repressed emotions don't stay suppressed. They have this annoying and persistent habit of coming back up and at inappropriate times. Ego Reactions are our repressed emotions directed towards the self and/or others. Anger is repressed emotion directed at others. Hurt is repressed emotion directed towards the self. They may also be in disguise. For example, anger, may be experienced as anxiety or insecurity, and sadness may be translated into anger. Our personality will dictate how we initially process our internal experiences as well as how we express and/or disguise our repressed emotions. A passive personality type may take repressed anger and direct it towards the self. An aggressive personality type may take repressed anger and direct it towards others.

Regardless of the individual's personality traits which may vary from person to person, the ultimate goal of the repressed feeling is to be released. The goal of the Ego is to avoid an uncomfortable experience. These two goals are at odds with each other. As the ego has no intention of going quietly, when we begin to feel, we will also have the urge to repress, we will be tempted to use the coping mechanism that we have become so familiar with.

At work, we put on a Corporate Charade in order to build our Corporate-Confidence instead of dealing with how we feel about ourselves directly. But how we feel about ourselves will ultimately play itself out in our work life. What we end up doing is subconsciously choosing external circumstances, drawing situations to us, or accepting and staying in roles that cause us to "feel" a certain way about ourselves. If we really wanted to, we would leave these undesirable situations or demand something to change. But we don't. Instead, we blame our problems on these external circumstances. It is work that is the problem, not our self-esteem, our insecurities or any other more pertinent part of our psychological makeup. Since we feel them through our work, they are less personal. Ultimately, however, work becomes just an excuse to feel what lies beneath. Success and failure are concrete names that we give to our underlying superiority "“ inferiority complex. These feelings externally mirror our repressed internal state. This dynamic is not likely to end, even if we stop working. In fact, these feelings are likely to be exacerbated at this time as we have nothing to distract us.

The TRUTH IS that our perception can be and is affected by our PAST and our PERSONALITY.

It is not WHO WE ARE TRYING TO IMPRESS but WHAT WE ARE TRYING TO REPRESS that drives our behavior.

When we combat our Ego with Self-Acceptance and hold our Ego at bay, there is nothing to hold these repressed feelings down and they are likely to surface. In essence, removing our ego uncaps the volcano and releases the feelings that are stored within.

What do we do with these feelings? We need to feel them without trying to repress or cover them up without labeling or attaching meaning to it. We just need to feel them. We just need to be with them. We just need to be. If we fully experience what we are feeling with self-acceptance and without judgment, we can release it without detriment to the self. Feel and release, feel and release.

Repressed emotions prevent us from having clarity regarding our capabilities. When we release our repressed emotions, they will no longer affect our perception or colour our experiences. Without this emotional influence shading our perspective, we will finally have clarity. With clarity, comes the truth. With clarity and self-acceptance, we can deal with the reality of any situation. Indeed, the truth will set up free.

Emotions can only be expressed and experienced in the moment. We can only release what we feel now. We can't change or rewrite the past. We can only connect with and release emotions as we feel them in the present. If we release the emotional block that we are experiencing, we will obtain a moment of clarity that is not altered by past baggage. We will be able to deal with today's situation directly, instead of reacting to it through a tainted lens. This does not mean we are free of all our repressed emotions. It means we have released the current block that we are experiencing. Since there are always repressed emotions within us, moments of confusions may follow. We can't and don't need to release all of them. It is not even remotely possible to do so. We simply need to deal with the ones that are affecting us in the moment. If we constantly remove our current emotional block, then we will never be blocked.

GOAL: Work through what we feel, not just cover it with corporate success which is temporary and needs more to survive. We need to feel it, accept it without judgment and release it. We need to separate from our ego, self-accept and positively reinforcing our attempts. We need to accept uncomfortable feelings as being part of who we are and embrace the ability to feel. We need to fight feeling bad with feeling.

THE BOTTOM LINE:How we feel about ourselves affects our reality. Ultimately, we can't hide from how we feel about ourselves. The ego carries with it our unresolved emotional baggage. In the absence of ego, when we release these repressed emotions, we begin to feel again. As we do so, our reality and our experiences become CLEAR. With clarity comes the TRUTH.

MANTRA: The ego thinks. The self feels. Feel it, don't think about it.

A PERSONAL NOTE ON SAFETY: We need to have support in place so that we can safely learn a new skill, how to feel. We need to be safe, to have a safe place to go and have a safety plan in place should these feelings start to overwhelm us.

24) It's our desire to give that makes us feel good about ourselves, not our need to get.

It's about the GIVE, not the GET.

The initial message that we received while growing up is that we must give up being happy in order to feel good about ourselves. When we extrapolate this message, this dynamic generalizes. We give up being happy in order to feel good about ourselves. We give up feeling good about ourselves, in order to be successful and feed our ego and the

whole thing spirals downward from there.

The TRUTH IS that we don't need to GIVE UP something in order to GET. And we certainly don't need to give up ourselves. We simply need to give from ourselves. And we don't need to worry about what we get. The get happens on its own and is beyond our control. When we give from ourselves for the sake of giving, not wanting or expecting anything back, we are in our Natural State. When we focus on the give, when our intent is to give, we are in our Natural State. When we are in our Natural State, we are living in Alignment with who we are.

The only way we can truly enjoy what we GIVE is when we don't expect anything in return. The only way that we can truly enjoy what we GET is when we never expected it in the first place.

The only way that we can truly enjoy our work (what we GIVE), is when we don't put conditions on it, we don't get attached to the outcome,we don't allow what we give to make us feel good about ourselves, we just allow it to make us feel good.

This is also the only way that we can truly enjoy what we GET, when we never expected it in the first place; when we don't get attached to the outcome; when we don't allow it to make us feel good about ourselves, we just allow it to make us feel good.

Feeling good about ourselves is a natural by-product of being in our Natural State. We don't have to stroke our ego to experience it. We don't have to be successful to have it. And we don't have to give up anything, in order to get it. It's simply what happens when we are doing what we are meant to do by being ourselves.

Giving from ourselves allows us to be fulfilled, which gives us access to our self-esteem and allows us to feel good about ourselves. In the absence of ego, with full self-acceptance, we can finally do what we are good at, without attachment to success or failure. We can become who we are. This is being is Alignment with who we are. This is being ourselves. This is being.


To live in ALIGNMENT with who we naturally are. To return to our Natural State.


We are in our Natural State when we give for the sake of giving, not wanting or expecting anything back.

25) Our INTENTIONS impact our experiences. "Give" INTENTIONS are easier to carry out than "get" INTENTIONS.

As soon as we label these natural feelings of enjoyment as a success or a judgment about the self, we are re-entering the land of our ego and are in placing ourselves in an ego vulnerable position. As soon as we define those feelings as the source of our feeling good about ourselves"¦..or get attached to them, we begin to demand to receive them for what we do. When we expect to GET something from BEING, we are no longer giving for the joy of it. As soon as we place demands on what we do, we are exiting out of our Natural State.

Remember, when we are in our Natural State, we give for the joy of giving, not wanting or expecting anything back. When our Intent is to give, we feel good about ourselves. It is not that we have to GIVE something in order to feel good about ourselves"¦ is that when we feel like giving, we do feel good about ourselves.

When we feel good about ourselves, we naturally want to give.

It is when we are threatened that we want to take. As the self always feels good about the self, it always wants to give. As the ego is always threatened, it always wants to take. If our work feeds our SELF, we will naturally want to give. If our work feeds our EGO, we will naturally want to take.

When our Intent is to GET, we are dependent on the outcome which increases fear, pressure and anxiety. The more ego-centric (get) and the less altruistic (give) our Intentions, the more difficult it will be to carry them out. The more we focus on ourselves (get) and the less we focus on our work (give), the more difficult our work will be.

When our Intent is to GIVE, the fear dissipates. The more altruistic (give) and the less ego-centric (get) our Intentions, the easier it will be to carry them out. The more we focus on our work (give) and the less we focus on ourselves (get), the easier our work will be.


It is the GIVE, not the GET, the act of giving, not the act of getting, that makes us feel good about ourselves.Even though technically, when we give we should have less, and when we get we should have more, The Laws of Gravity reverse this equation.

The same element that makes us want to give is also responsible for reversing this equation. HAPPINESS. When we are happy, we want to give. Giving makes us feel good about ourselves which makes us feel even happier. When we are HAPPY to GIVE, we GET HAPPINESS. Happiness balances our give and get equation so that we GET from GIVING.


Theravive Counselor