Give love versus get love.

Pro-Active Counselling

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Dependent esteem

Esteem is derived from the other person

Only feel good about the self when with or in contact with the other person


Esteem is derived from the self

Feels good about the self with or without contact with the other person


Confidence is derived from the other person

Only feels confident about the relationship (and the self) when with or in contact with the other person


Confidence comes from the self

Feels confident about the relationship (and the self) with or without contact with the other person

External - needs external proof of love, values only external experiences

Internal- has internal proof of love, values internal experiences

We give to the other to get them to love us

We are filled by giving to the other

Get anxious, angry, upset if we don't get the response/attention we want

We don't expect or need a response or attention

Leaves us jealous, anxious and insecure

Builds security allows for peace and contentment

Leaves us empty

Fills us up (permanent)

Love charade causes us to put on a performance which we cannot maintain. It is therefore based on something - which will change.

The self evolves but doesn't change who it is. It is therefore based on stable factors - which will not change.

We send a negative message to the self when we change who we are for someone else.

We send a positive message to the self when we maintain who we are in the presence of someone else.

When someone loves our Love Charade, they don't actually love us.

When someone loves our self, they love us.

Based on life's external circumstances

Based on the essence of who we are - our internal circumstances

Seeks to show our best self to another

Needs to prove our worth to another

Seeks only to show self to another

Does not need to prove anything to self or others

Need to get someone to love us

Need to be true to the self

Become who we are

Seek proof of someone else's love so that we can love ourselves

Does not need love from an external source - seeks self-love

Rejects rejection

Accepts rejection and moves on to someone who accepts

Focus on external factors

Other approving

Attempts to/believes can change what someone thinks of us

Tries to/believes can control external circumstances

Focus on past and future (worry and anxiety)

Focus on internal factors


Does not need to change what others think

Does not try to control external factors

Focus on the now

Experiences/ perception (reality) is skewed byunderlying esteem beliefs

Experiences/perception (reality) is based on innate feelings

Needs to be with or in contact with someone to feel loved.

Feels loved with or without someone else

We give up ourselves to be who we think the person wants.

We are ourselves and seek only those who accept and enjoy us.

There is a huge cost to performing a love charade because it is not who we are - not maintainable temporary

There is a much lower cost to being who we are -maintainable permanent.

We won't and can't get the love we want because it will never be enough

Even if we did get it, it won't be worth it for we have given up too much to receive it the equation will never be in balance

Self love is all we need

When we give love and expect nothing in return, the equation only tilts in our favour

Anything we get is a bonus because we didn't expect it in the first place

Theravive Counselor