Give love versus get love.
THE RESULT OF A SPLIT SELF | |
LOVE CHARADE (EGO NEEDS) DEPENDENT LOVE GET LOVE |
SELF (ESSENCE OF WHO WE ARE) SELF LOVE GIVE LOVE |
Dependent esteem Esteem is derived from the other person Only feel good about the self when with or in contact with the other person |
Self-esteem Esteem is derived from the self Feels good about the self with or without contact with the other person |
Dependent-confidence Confidence is derived from the other person Only feels confident about the relationship (and the self) when with or in contact with the other person |
Self-confidence Confidence comes from the self Feels confident about the relationship (and the self) with or without contact with the other person |
External - needs external proof of love, values only external experiences |
Internal- has internal proof of love, values internal experiences |
We give to the other to get them to love us |
We are filled by giving to the other |
Get anxious, angry, upset if we don't get the response/attention we want |
We don't expect or need a response or attention |
Leaves us jealous, anxious and insecure |
Builds security allows for peace and contentment |
Leaves us empty |
Fills us up (permanent) |
Love charade causes us to put on a performance which we cannot maintain. It is therefore based on something - which will change. |
The self evolves but doesn't change who it is. It is therefore based on stable factors - which will not change. |
We send a negative message to the self when we change who we are for someone else. |
We send a positive message to the self when we maintain who we are in the presence of someone else. |
When someone loves our Love Charade, they don't actually love us. |
When someone loves our self, they love us. |
Based on life's external circumstances |
Based on the essence of who we are - our internal circumstances |
Seeks to show our best self to another Needs to prove our worth to another |
Seeks only to show self to another Does not need to prove anything to self or others |
Need to get someone to love us |
Need to be true to the self Become who we are |
Seek proof of someone else's love so that we can love ourselves |
Does not need love from an external source - seeks self-love |
Rejects rejection |
Accepts rejection and moves on to someone who accepts |
Focus on external factors Other approving Attempts to/believes can change what someone thinks of us Tries to/believes can control external circumstances Focus on past and future (worry and anxiety) |
Focus on internal factors Self-approving Does not need to change what others think Does not try to control external factors Focus on the now |
Experiences/ perception (reality) is skewed byunderlying esteem beliefs |
Experiences/perception (reality) is based on innate feelings |
Needs to be with or in contact with someone to feel loved. |
Feels loved with or without someone else |
We give up ourselves to be who we think the person wants. |
We are ourselves and seek only those who accept and enjoy us. |
There is a huge cost to performing a love charade because it is not who we are - not maintainable temporary |
There is a much lower cost to being who we are -maintainable permanent. |
We won't and can't get the love we want because it will never be enough Even if we did get it, it won't be worth it for we have given up too much to receive it the equation will never be in balance |
Self love is all we need When we give love and expect nothing in return, the equation only tilts in our favour Anything we get is a bonus because we didn't expect it in the first place |